Monday, September 17, 2007

I'm Ready!

Saturday I was genuinely useful as one of the only veterans who decided to show up for dinner shift. It felt surprisingly awesome to clean a jillion things.

I kind of feel like just writing something beautiful, so I'm gonna try it.

-The Drewcifer


By the time you read this, I'll no longer love you.

Falling in love is easy for me. Falling out is even easier.

To know nothing but uncertainty is my apparent destiny. Oscillation and indecision are my anchors, my grounds. And yet don't think I'm unhappy. I'm not. My life is good, though too much of my time is spent worrying about it ending. Cessation scares me as much as continuation. Eternity fills my eyes with tears, my stomach with bile, and my heart with a longing for my parents.

Sometimes you just want someone to hug you and say it's going to be okay, even though you know they're lying.

Sometimes I think the loneliness is what gets to me. When I've got someone there beside me, it's easier to cope with Infinity. Lady Ifni's a cruel bitch to those who try to ken her.

But I'm not unhappy. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm a genuinely happy person. I don't think that makes it to the page as much as it should. I don't cry after breakups because I'm bad at being sad.

By the time you're gone, I'll love you again. Chasing what I can't have. It's a common curse.

My words are my only chance. They're the only way I can keep living and my continual resistance to them, to learning to use them, to flailing away at something else, does a disservice to everything I am or ever will be. The scientist in me will have to get his fill from elective courses, Scientific American, Science, and Nature. I just don't see any other way.

I've come to a strange compulsion that if I go to Japan someday, everything will be okay. Funnily enough, from what I understand that's exactly the way a lot of Japanese kids and adolescents feel about America. Intellectually, I know it's not a realistic expectation, but god damn it, I'm gonna try.

My parents teach. My Aunt teaches. My Uncle teaches. My cousins teach. My Great-Aunt taught. My Grandfather taught. Teaching is in my blood.

"And all I taste is blood between my teeth."


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